i guess the constant evaluation of social issues is not sustainable for a human body. it's only reasonable to take a break from the abstract and look into the sensing, the grounded. well, if i were to not "intellectualize" my feelings, i'd tell you i feel like shit. looking back, i don't know if i've ever truly felt stable or even simply grounded. looking at it from a solipsist point of view, does anyone truly feel happy? maybe happiness is not the point. it's a nice feeling, but it cannot last for long. the human body was just not wired for happiness, because with happiness comes sadness. with evil comes good. and with fulfillement comes emptiness. the brain's dopamine and seratonin receptors simply adapt to the creation of their hormones, that's why it's so incredibly simple to slip into addiction. you just get addicted to the highs, but with the highs come the lows, and the higher you climb, the lower you'll fall.

but i digress, to come back to reality, i've been feeling incredibly paranoid lately. i don't know why. maybe it's the perpetual abandonment of my sanity, but who knows! god. i can't fucking look at them. even though they did nothing wrong and it's just my brain being fucked up again. i feel fucking sick, and i'm scared. i'm scared. it's a primal fear, it's a primal sickness. i can't really live like this anymore. but whatever. i'm not even truly writing for an audience, i just needed to get this out somewhere.